Oxygen
by writingmyownhistory-inactive
Summary: I thought of Allie. I put my head under the water.


It was a crumby deal, really.

Everyone I've talked to about the whole thing just acts sympathetic. They pretend. It's lousy.

Really, really lousy.

I'm still stuck in this hospital because of it. I was supposed to go home six weeks ago.

A couple days before I was due to go, I got to thinking about Allie. That's the problem with me. I think too much about things that bother me and not enough about normal stuff. I guess I just have a screwy way of thinking.

Phoebe told me I did, once. I didn't even ask for her opinion or anything. She just came right out and said it, which irritated the hell out of me.

But she's right, I guess.

Even the shrinks here agree with her - they think that my brain's scrambled.

Hell, maybe they're right. I mean, they're professionals and all.

Anyway, I got to thinking about Allie, like I told you. It was a night like any other night - I talked to a shrink for what felt like the millionth time, I ate dinner and then went back to my room so I could lie around for a while, I guess.

I started out curled up on my side, looking at the wall. But I rolled over and saw the bookcase.

Allie's baseball glove was on top of it. I'd brought it with me for some reason, I'm not really sure why. Maybe just to have a memory of home or family or some sappy crap like that.

When I saw that glove, though, it really hit me.

This black feeling of - well, I don't know what - had built up inside me for a while. Seeing the glove kind of made me feel everything at once.

There was still shame over being expelled from Pencey, Whooton and all the other schools. I also felt pretty damn ostracized by everyone, even here, where there's a lot of loners like me.

I didn't really fit in anywhere, if you want to know the truth. Still don't.

So as I was lying there thinking and sort of getting swallowed up by the feeling, I decided to take a bath. Wash the stuff out of my mind.

There was a bathroom connected to my room. I guess it was nice, as far as institution bathrooms are concerned. There was a great bathtub, anyway, and it wasn't crumby like the showers at Pencey.

So I went in there and turned the water as hot as it would go, steaming the mirror up until my face was just a blur in it.

I stripped and turned to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't see my whole body unless I stood on the lip of the tub. That's when some nurse knocked on the door and almost killed me. She startled me so bad that I almost fell into the tub. I stood on the edge, teetering, and told her I was okay.

But I wasn't, you know? I really wasn't.

I'd gotten skinnier during my time in that hospital. I looked in the mirror and my stomach sort of popped out but not in the way it would have if I was fat. I could see my ribs, almost well enough to count them, and my cheekbones looked like they'd been carved by a crazed artist or something.

It really scared me to see myself like that. So I finally got in the tub.

I washed myself. I was glad for the soap in that bathroom. It was thick and made the water all blurry so I didn't have to check out my ribs the whole time I was in the bath.

The tub, by then, was filled to the brim with hot, soapy water.

Now the important thing to remember: I didn't plan to do what happened next. I didn't really want to do it, and I didn't think it through before I got in the tub, but it happened anyway. It was like someone else had control of my body for a while.

I put my head under the water.

And it was hot and all, the water, but I stayed down there for a bit. When I came back up for air, I decided to do it again and see how long I'd last a second time.

At least, I think that's what I decided.

I thought of Allie, gulped some air and put my head down again. I was counting the seconds and turning that into minutes.

Two minutes passed. I couldn't see much.

But I thought of Allie.

And I wanted to be with him, all of a sudden.

So I stayed there, keeping my head under the water even when my chest hurt. I didn't hear that stupid nurse walking by and of course right when she did, my whole body jerked and made a terrific noise.

My eyes were closing.

"Holden!"

Everything went black, and I don't remember much after that...

I hope I can go home soon, you know?

It's all very lousy.


End file.
